Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
