You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
organizing the empties. That sober.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
