apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
