my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
