My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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