remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
