i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
