hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
