if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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