I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
