Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
