Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
