just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
it was like having sex with a tree stump
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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