I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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