dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
