Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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