Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
