I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
