So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
