I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
