Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
