I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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