I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
