Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
