4 words: hood of his car
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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