White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
