Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
