pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i just sent this text using only my big toe
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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