I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
