you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
