I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So drunk its hurt
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
