those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
