I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
wow bdsm is so cute
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
