and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
