never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
