i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
