Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
