wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize