Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
