I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
