Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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