I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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