I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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