my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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