i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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