if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
