Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
