just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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