i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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