I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
