I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
