I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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