Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
