I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
FUCK WHALES
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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