Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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