I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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