dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
