i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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