...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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