just tell him i said nine months
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you didnt know i had herpes?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
